WORLD POTATO DAY

A CONTENTPLAY

EPILOGUE

SCENE OPEN

EXT. FUNHOLE PEAKS CEMETERY, LATE AFTERNOON

Mourners are gathered for Hank’s funeral. We find Bean, Brank, Brenda, Cousin Alf, Handa, Kit, Tony, Zimmer, and Zimmer’s boyfriend in the crowd. All are very well dressed.

PRIEST

We ask that our lord Japanese Jesus accept our departed friend Hank into his heavenly omurice, that he may be with those who departed before him for eternity. Amen. I believe Hank’s son Brank now has some words.

The priest steps back. Brank steps forward. Needing to keep Hank’s potato identity a secret, he carries on with the lie that Hank was an egg.

BRANK

My dad has been through a lot. Long before I was born, my dad served in the navy. He didn’t share many details, but from my history classes I came to learn that the war he fought in was quite violent. Despite what he went through, my dad never lost hope.
When my dad returned home from his deployment, his uncle passed away shortly after. The family shop had to close and my dad was out of work for two years. Despite all that, my dad never lost hope.
When my friends and family were in danger, and my dad was injured beyond recovery, he sacrificed himself so we could carry on. Despite his last moments being upon him, my dad never lost hope.
My dad was always there for me – for all of us. Good days, bad days, it didn’t matter. My dad never lost hope, and he’d want us to keep his hope alive. And that’s what I intend to do, and I hope you all will join me.
Goodbye dad. I will miss you so much, but I will always keep your hope alive.
Thank you.

The mourners clap. Brank returns to the crowd and gives his mother and sister a hug.

PRIEST

Thank you, Brank. This concludes our ceremony. I invite you all to come forward and place a handful of earth into Hank’s grave.

Brank steps up first.

NARRATION

Brank went on to excel at school and received a full scholarship to the Content Academy, through which he earned a Ph.D in content science.

Handa steps up.

NARRATION

Handa developed a highly-advanced vocabulary at a very early age and became a world-renowned poet at just six years old.

Brenda steps up.

NARRATION

Brenda started an urban farming business specializing in carrots and parsnips. She made millions in profit and retired early.

Kit and Tony step up.

NARRATION

Kit & Tony co-founded a humane fast food company with a commitment to selling food that’s quick, convenient, affordable, ethically-sourced, and healthy. The business excelled, and with the profits they started a free lunch program for malnourished children.

Bean steps up.

NARRATION

Bean thought long and hard about the adventure he went on with his friends. He came to realize that being a good bean is actually pretty cool. He saw the bean doctor to get a prescription for anti-fungal drugs (to fight his Bean Penicillium Disease). Shortly after that, he threw all of his cringe manosphere DVDs into the old abandoned quarry and turned over a new leaf. Upon hearing this, the Order of Happy Little Beans annulled his banishment from the Happy Little Vinehouse.

CUT TO

EXT. DESERT RURAL ROAD, SUNDOWN

Jenkins is driving back to CFR HQ.

INT. CFR PATROL CAR

JENKINS

You don’t kill my partner and expect to get away with it. I will find you, clown, and I will stop you, whatever it is you have planned next.

NARRATION

Jenkins swore to avenge Harold. He is still searching for Ronald.

EXT. CFR PATROL CAR

Jenkins drives off into the sunset. As the car fades away, Road to McNuggets begins to play.
Just as the “...where we’ve been” line is sung (~0:09)

CUT BACK TO

EXT. FUNHOLE PEAKS CEMETERY
HIGH SHOT LOOKING AT THE CROWD

The mourners are saying their goodbyes, slowly leaving the ceremony.

CAMERA SLOWLY ROTATES CLOCKWISE, EVENTUALLY FOCUSING ON HANK’S TOMBSTONE.

The tombstone reads:

HERE LIES HANK
LOVING FATHER AND HUSBAND
HE WAS IN THE NAVY

CAMERA ROTATES DOWNWARD TO THE PATCH OF DIRT JUST BEFORE THE TOMBSTONE

As the intro verse concludes with “...work it out”, a potato stalk emerges from Hank’s grave.

ROLL CREDITS

[…]

CREDITS END

INT. MCDONALD’S RESTAURANT, MIDNIGHT

It’s the midnight shift at this 24-hour McDonald’s.
There’s a drunk guy passed-out in one of the booths, only managed to get one bite of burger in before he crashed.
The sole cashier is at the order stand, bored out of his mind.
The door opens, a man walks up to the order stand.

CASHIER, STARING OFF INTO SPACE

Welcome to McDonald’s, may I take your order?

The man forces a cough of displeasure

RONALD

Is that any way to address a customer?

The cashier looks up.

CASHIER

Heh, sick costume dude. But the Halloween promotion is only in effect on, you know, Halloween.

RONALD

How dare you!

Ronald jumps over the table and tackles the cashier to the ground. The shift manager steps out of his office to see what’s happening.

MANAGER

Hey! Get off my employee!

RONALD

Execute command 1963

The manager’s facial expression goes blank and his body rigid.

MANAGER

I am yours to command, my lord.

RONALD

Deal with this fool.

MANAGER

Yes, my lord.

The manager quickly steps to the cashier and grabs him in a chokehold. Ronald walks into a backroom and takes a vial out of his pocket. Out of the fridge, he takes a large container half-filled with pink slime.

RONALD

My little friends, I have much work for you!

Ronald opens the vial and dumps its contents into the pink slime container: A pair of mosquitoes, one male and one female.
Ronald closes the container with the mosquitoes inside and begins to laugh maniacally. Within seconds, the mosquitoes have decupled in size and are banging against the container. Ronald holds the lid on, still laughing.

And then, the two mosquitoes stop.

Ronald stops laughing.

And from the container comes a pair of voices, speaking in unison:

MOSQUITOES

Then came the build-up in…

THE END